Thoughts & Realizations

So, after deciding that I'm poly, bi, and kinked, all within the last three months, I've come to a rather startling realization.

I'm in a sexual minority.

Having been mono het vanilla for most of my life, that's a bit odd. I was having a debate with my female interest about politics, and she mentioned that many republicans wanted to punish her for the choices & orientations in her personal life.

Which I suddenly realized applied to me as well.

I've always been angry on behalf of groups that were being oppressed in some way, and then I've always been able to walk away to my nice little straight edge life. I've never felt like the oppressed group before. (Well...except for nerddom. But no one thinks of that as an actual issue. *grumbles*) And the truth is, it hasn't sunk in for me yet. It probably won't until someone makes a disparaging remark about something I've done in my sex life, and how perverted and wrong it is. (One of my interests needs to play with me. I want to do things that are perverted and wrong. *whines* My female interest is moving really slow, which is great, except I really want to jump her. *whistles innocently*)

I was really bothered by the sex toy ban in Texas, because that was a really visible example of stupidity. I have always been of the opinion that the government has no place in my bedroom, but I guess most instances of this kind of thing (sodomy laws, etc.) are either old enough that they aren't news or they just aren't news to most people because "those people are perverts anyway." And so I just never heard about them til now.

What an interesting attitude adjustment.

d/s Contract link...good reminder for later.

http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/2008/05/12/the-contract/

Because this is a sounding board as much as anything. This contract is really amazing in a lot of ways, Dev has some great ideas (for relationships in general, not just for d/s)

Some Emotional Stuff

I'm trying to work out the roots of some emotional crap that I'm dealing with tonight (re: an outburst of sobbing for 20 minutes or so after I wrote this post on LJ. You can guess that I wasn't feeling real chipper beforehand either. At any rate, this post or the posts after may be short, or get edited, or whatever. 

I know that I want to feel needed. That way I don't feel shitty when I need help. Also, I legitimately like helping people. I makes me feel useful and helpful.

I know that I need more positive people interaction in my life right now than I've been getting.

I know that a lot of the time, I don't need attention, just for there to be people I trust around. (Is that like the fucking definition of a family or what? Why don't I have a fucking family? (Ok, why don't I have a local family?) Why do I need a family this badly? It doesn't seem like others do.)

Why do I feel so uncomfortable saying stuff like this to other people? I've never yet experienced an emotion and had it turn out to be unique or even hugely uncommon, so why do I feel like people will object or judge me if I talk to them about emotional stuff?

Maybe I'll post this entry to LJ later, if I get brave.

Sexuality

I think I need to make a list of things to write about on this blog, since it's apparently my replacement for therapy.  I have a fair number of really big topics I'd like to tackle, both personal and otherwise.

But today I want to examine sexuality a little- in addition to cuddling last night, my female interest (Seriously, she needs a handle here. As does my male interest, but I haven't found myself mentioning him as much.) and I talked about BDSM a fair amount. I knew she was interested and into BDSM, and still it was incredibly difficult to discuss it with her, or even to talk about anything sexual. In fact, I steered away from most things explicitly sexual in the discussion. In fact, I hadn't even realized that until right now. It was incredibly for me to even say things like "X, Y, and Z are things that are hot to me," as though having turnons is something that's shameful.

And yet it feels like they are. My male interest (see, there he is.) knows almost nothing about my interest in BDSM because, although we're pretty physically involved, I would be just mortified to bring up something to him as a turnon for me. Even if it was something more normal than BDSM, like the sex toys I have in my drawer. Let him know that I have sexual interests all on my own!? Never.

I don't know why I'm so terrified about revealing my sexuality to others. With (aw crap, I need yet another handle) my IM friend, it became very quickly apparent that there was nearly nothing I could do to alienate her as far as my sexual interests went. She quickly became the person with whom I have most freely discussed my sexuality. In point of fact, she's the only person who I've ever felt completely comfortable talking about sex with. 

So how do I get past that stumbling block with others? I guess what I'm afraid of, at the root of it all, is that I'll be judged. That being sexual will be perceived as a bad thing, or that people will think that I think about sex too much. (I like orgasms, ok? So fucking sue me.) I'm worried that I'll lost either people or their respect. 

And there seems to be a big difference for me between joking about sex and talking about sex seriously. Joking about sex is pretty easy, although I still worry it'll get me judged for thinking about sex too much.

But talking openly and honestly about what I want and what is hot to me- well geez. That's hard. Even when I know that there's no way in hell the people I'm talking to should be offended by it, part of me is convinced they will be. My female interest and I discussed yesterday that I need a fair amount of validation, especially while I'm still learning the dynamics of a new relationship. (IE- need reassurance that the person giving validation still likes me, isn't weirded out, whatever. That's one of the biggies I want to address at some point on this blog.) We agreed that until she got used to exactly what I needed, I would ask for validation when I needed it. (I've had really good luck with this strategy in the past, once I get to a point where I'm ok asking.) During our conversation, I think I asked her for validation about 4 times. That's a lot of validation to need, and we were only talking about BDSM in relation to ourselves, not with respect to our relationship or anything. 

I hang out with people who are awesome, openminded, and themselves have some incredibly different values and choices from the main stream. So why the hell am I afraid that they'll judge me for thinking about sex? Or for considering kinky sex? And is there a way to get past that other than bashing my head against that wall until it falls down?

Cuddling!

There was cuddling last night with a certain female type. I am happy. (Also still adjusting to the idea of a relationship with a woman, but happy. Fizzy NRE vibes for everyone.)

Kink

Still coming to terms with this 'having a kink' thing. I mean, at least on the surface, BDSM is not that hot to me. I think I would actually find it really hot and be really into it, but just hearing about it doesn't get me hot. I so much as read accounts of erotic hypnosis, bad hypnosis erotica, talk about the fundamentals of hypnosis, and I'm turned on.

So what gets me is not that something sexually non-normative is appealing to me. 'Appealing to me' means that I'd be open to it and doing it would get me hot. Sex, for instance, appeals to me, because it's fun and there are orgasms. Sex by itself doesn't get me hot. Hypnotism is straight up, bowl me over, no questions asked, an actual turn-on for me.

So let's think about this one for a bit: hypnotism is sexier to me than sex.

Is that even true? Will that last, will the idea get old, and not as exciting? Would the reality of hypnotism disappoint?

Also, how exactly does this tie into BDSM? In a D/s relationship, you're fundamentally offering service, regardless of whether you like it, by choice. Which seems good, seems like it could be very hot.

In hypnosis, at least in the ideal fairy world, you don't have control. Not only have you offered yourself to the other person, they have taken you completely. How amazingly, mind-fuckingly hot.

So, if I had to take a guess, I'd say that suggest pretty heavily that I'd enjoy holding up the sub end of a D/s relationship.

What would I want real erotic hypnosis to be like?

Well, I don't actually know that much about how hypnotism works. But first of all, I'd want my partner and I to go to a really brilliant hypnotherapist together and have the hypnotherapist teach my dom to hypnotize me. Cause seriously, don't fuck my brain if you don't know what you're doing.

Once some of those basics were established (that bit seems boring so I'll skip it.) we'd get on with the actual playing. First of all, I would want to be able to remember everything that happened with the playing. Cause doing ridiculous shit is so not worth it if I can't remember it from inside my head. Or at least as an out of body experience or something.

As for the actual playing, the possibilities are endless. Roleplaying with me as some character seems like it would be awesomely fun, or just scenes with me as myself. Ideally the in the roleplaying, I would just be totally convinced that I was that person. (That seems kind of potentially dangerous...put on the list of 'shit to ask hypnotherapist about.')

Which brings me to another interesting question: what about safewords and hypnosis? Would you need one? I hear that you can't do anything under hypnosis that you would be totally unwilling to do in real life, you'll just be less inhibited. That's fine by me. But what if a roleplaying scene gets too psychologically intense or something? (Like if we're doing a rape scene, I dunno.) How would a safeword work, or would I just snap out of it?

Any ideas from my small but awesome readership?

Hypno-kink

Apparently having a fetish about being hypnotized is an actual thing! I'd sort of come to terms with the fact that it was real for me, (around the same time as, and in fact as a catalyst for, exploration of D/s stuff.) but I didn't entirely realize it was real for other people.

I didn't let myself think about it too much until recently, but I've been turned on by hypnosis since I was...well, since watching some episode of that stupid Aladin TV series. (Princess Jasmine, hypnotized by Jafar, the rest is history.) Are you even allowed to have sexual feelings at that age? Maybe it was more a fascination then, which translated more or less seamlessly into sexual feelings. (I recall being incredibly turned on by that one scene in Into The Mouth of Madness...kind of an odd scene, actually.)


I've never had an honest-to-god, built in, kink before. *pets her kink*

Wheeeee!

It appears as though the Girl Of My Affections (GOMA?) and I are officially 'flirting'. (It's a relationship status, not a verb, OK?)

This is fucking awesome, since I've been developing a pretty massive crush on her for a bit now. I've become suspicious that I'm more into women than men, but we'll see. GOMA doesn't have much actual TIME, so this relationship is going to move slooooowly. Which is fine. I have other ways to deal with those pesky sexual needs.

*Sidelong glance at GOMA's husband*

My life is freaking awesome. Also, I'm completely infatuated. It's great.