Sexuality

I think I need to make a list of things to write about on this blog, since it's apparently my replacement for therapy.  I have a fair number of really big topics I'd like to tackle, both personal and otherwise.

But today I want to examine sexuality a little- in addition to cuddling last night, my female interest (Seriously, she needs a handle here. As does my male interest, but I haven't found myself mentioning him as much.) and I talked about BDSM a fair amount. I knew she was interested and into BDSM, and still it was incredibly difficult to discuss it with her, or even to talk about anything sexual. In fact, I steered away from most things explicitly sexual in the discussion. In fact, I hadn't even realized that until right now. It was incredibly for me to even say things like "X, Y, and Z are things that are hot to me," as though having turnons is something that's shameful.

And yet it feels like they are. My male interest (see, there he is.) knows almost nothing about my interest in BDSM because, although we're pretty physically involved, I would be just mortified to bring up something to him as a turnon for me. Even if it was something more normal than BDSM, like the sex toys I have in my drawer. Let him know that I have sexual interests all on my own!? Never.

I don't know why I'm so terrified about revealing my sexuality to others. With (aw crap, I need yet another handle) my IM friend, it became very quickly apparent that there was nearly nothing I could do to alienate her as far as my sexual interests went. She quickly became the person with whom I have most freely discussed my sexuality. In point of fact, she's the only person who I've ever felt completely comfortable talking about sex with. 

So how do I get past that stumbling block with others? I guess what I'm afraid of, at the root of it all, is that I'll be judged. That being sexual will be perceived as a bad thing, or that people will think that I think about sex too much. (I like orgasms, ok? So fucking sue me.) I'm worried that I'll lost either people or their respect. 

And there seems to be a big difference for me between joking about sex and talking about sex seriously. Joking about sex is pretty easy, although I still worry it'll get me judged for thinking about sex too much.

But talking openly and honestly about what I want and what is hot to me- well geez. That's hard. Even when I know that there's no way in hell the people I'm talking to should be offended by it, part of me is convinced they will be. My female interest and I discussed yesterday that I need a fair amount of validation, especially while I'm still learning the dynamics of a new relationship. (IE- need reassurance that the person giving validation still likes me, isn't weirded out, whatever. That's one of the biggies I want to address at some point on this blog.) We agreed that until she got used to exactly what I needed, I would ask for validation when I needed it. (I've had really good luck with this strategy in the past, once I get to a point where I'm ok asking.) During our conversation, I think I asked her for validation about 4 times. That's a lot of validation to need, and we were only talking about BDSM in relation to ourselves, not with respect to our relationship or anything. 

I hang out with people who are awesome, openminded, and themselves have some incredibly different values and choices from the main stream. So why the hell am I afraid that they'll judge me for thinking about sex? Or for considering kinky sex? And is there a way to get past that other than bashing my head against that wall until it falls down?