Family

I went away for a few days earlier this week on a business trip. It was mostly boring, but somewhat obnoxious in the coworker department. I realized that I desperately missed being around what I was originally going to call 'sane people' but decided to re-term 'insane people,' as I felt that was more complimentary.

Additionally, A & T are going away to Europe for two weeks. Naturally, I am going to miss them. But that's not really the point. They were complaining about the nature of the vacation they're going on (they didn't really get to choose) and so we started talking about all of the far superior ideas that we had for vacations with our close group of friends. This includes the three of us, S, and B- what I've been thinking of for a little while now as my family, but have not really said anything about for fear of being too presumptuous.

During this discussion, I said something specifically detailing that it should be the five of us going on a more relaxing and fun vacation together, and T responded with something along the lines of "Yes, we need to just take the whole family and do...(something or other, not important.)"

The whole family.

My family.

It wasn't that I hadn't been thinking of them as my family until now, as I mentioned. It was getting confirmation that the people who I think of as family think of me the same way. With that, it became official: I have a family again. This makes me all kinds of happy, for all kinds of reasons.

Later, of course, it hit me that, given I haven't had a family in many ways since I was 10, I'd forgotten what it was like. This caused me to collapse into sobs on A & T's couch, thoroughly worrying and confusing them (sorry!). But they held me and comforted me and generally were family.

It's nice to have a family again.

Some Emotional Stuff

I'm trying to work out the roots of some emotional crap that I'm dealing with tonight (re: an outburst of sobbing for 20 minutes or so after I wrote this post on LJ. You can guess that I wasn't feeling real chipper beforehand either. At any rate, this post or the posts after may be short, or get edited, or whatever. 

I know that I want to feel needed. That way I don't feel shitty when I need help. Also, I legitimately like helping people. I makes me feel useful and helpful.

I know that I need more positive people interaction in my life right now than I've been getting.

I know that a lot of the time, I don't need attention, just for there to be people I trust around. (Is that like the fucking definition of a family or what? Why don't I have a fucking family? (Ok, why don't I have a local family?) Why do I need a family this badly? It doesn't seem like others do.)

Why do I feel so uncomfortable saying stuff like this to other people? I've never yet experienced an emotion and had it turn out to be unique or even hugely uncommon, so why do I feel like people will object or judge me if I talk to them about emotional stuff?

Maybe I'll post this entry to LJ later, if I get brave.