WanderLost

Meaning in Lyrics

2008-08-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

It just occurred to me how well Ben Folds 'Landed' lyrics sum up my relationship with my mom. He's a custom-cut version to best express my perspective:

We'd hit the bottom
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about

The daily dramas
She made from nothing
So nothing ever made it right

She liked to push me
And talk me back down
'Till i believed I was the crazy one
And in a way
I guess I was

Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye goodbye I tried
Treading the sea of a troubled mind
I had to leave myself behind
Singin' bye-bye goodbye I tried

So come pick me up
I've landed...

Sex Positivity in Practice

2008-07-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I completely revamped my relationship status- when I realized that I had the option of multiple relationships, I started rethinking pretty much everything else, too. I finally admitted that I was bi, had a hypnosis and mind control fetish, and started considering interest in BDSM and other forms of kinkiness.

In other words, I went from thinking "Man! I am so sex-positive! I am totally allowed to enjoy sex and to say no to sex if I don't want it. Take that, male chauvinism!" to thinking "Um, ok. Also, I have the right to want sex just because I want it, and I have the right to want specific things out of sex. What an awesome reality check!"

However, I've always been really uncomfortable talking about sex- I largely still am, but I've gotten a lot better about it. A while ago, A and I had a long session of heavy petting that was almost entirely instructive- me telling him him some of the theory of how things worked when I masturbate, him trying it out, me demonstrating, trying again, things not working, (boo for contraceptive libido-awfulness) trying different things, discovering my (OM)G-spot, et cetera.

It was possibly the most open I've ever been about the down-and-dirty logistics of my sexuality, particularly the bits where it was clear that I masturbate. I was really, really proud of myself. I've been talking recently with some platonic girl friends of mine about sex, but talking openly with the people I'm having it or potentially having it with is a lot harder. I've also had some pretty open talks with T about kink, which has been more nervewracking, but also amazing.

I've come a long way in the past six months- a long way in a good direction. Go me.

Apologies

2008-07-06T00:33:00.000-07:00

Just posted part of that rant on LJ.

Repeat after me: I will not apologize for telling others about my feelings. I will not apologize for being self-centric on a self-centric medium. I will not feel that I am taking up too much space. I will not apologize for being broken.

How many times do I have to repeat those things to get them?

Moving In

2008-07-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

A has recently decided that he would like me to move in with him and T. This is both very flattering and a thought that had certainly crossed my mind before.

It also raises lots of red flags about premature commitment, and is an offer that I would probably have trouble not accepting if it were offered.

The validity of above red flags is not entirely what I want to discuss at the moment, I'm going to mostly leave them by the wayside, saying only that their validity is not a foregone conclusion.

I'm going to wax introspective about my (near pathological) desire to have this roommate-ness offered to me and to accept the offer.

Firstly, I have little to no discretion when it comes to things that make me feel accepted, included trusted, and loved. I want nearly all things that achieve this, with very few filters. (To the point that I have sometimes worried that my interest in a relationship, though real, originally stemmed purely from the other person's interest in me.) It was a big deal when today someone asked if I would be able to pet sit for them and I said no, because no was the best answer for everybody- but a large part of me desperately wanted to be there, be worthy of the trust and respect that I perceived in the request. This begs the question: how do I evaluate my feelings in things like this, since I know for a fact that my emotional brain is powerful enough to convince my rational brain of things that are totally untrue and unsupported?

In this case, why do I specifically wish to jump on this opportunity? For one, I think it would be really nice in many ways in execution and I have never been good at delayed gratification.

But S asked me a good question. "Do you think that the offer will go away?" I didn't think so at first. But reflecting, I feel that may be wrong. My feeling is now "of course I'm afraid that the offer will go away. I'll slip up and they'll see how horrible I really am and I'll have never got the chance to...live with them and show them how wonderful I really am?" My emotional brain sucks at logic.

I desperately, desperately, desperately want a family. I want someone to promise to love me forever and no matter what and I want to believe them. And I want to believe I'll love them back forever.

Because somewhere in my head, I'm incapable of love, kindness, goodness, compatibility with others, and I deserve none of these from others.

Fuck. I had nearly forgotten about that bit of my head.

(I'm writing totally stream of consciousness, I've no idea what I'll make of this post in the morning.)

The pain hits me in unpredictable waves, triggered by buttons I didn't know I had. S can relate.

Thought: S is not my therapist. S is my good friend. Where do I draw that line? Where does she?

Thought: I hate needing a therapist. I hate my broken brain. There are so many broken pieces of me that I don't even know how they're supposed to look once they've been put back together anymore. But they're hiding behind my relative functionality, so sometimes even I forget they're there.

I hate that I'm too broken to love and be loved properly. I don't know what good, strong, healthy love looks like. I can't recognize it for the shattered shards of what fucking should have been a whole and strong and wonderful person growing out of that poor ten year old girl.

God, I wish that little girl could have lived past 10.

I am lost in my own brokenness. I have no path. I don't know how to look for one. I only know what way time goes.

Penn & Teller's Bullshit: The War on Porn

2008-06-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

I watched the 'War on Porn' episode of Penn & Teller's bullshit today. It basically consisted of this: some uptight and obnoxious people condemned porn. They defended it. Big surprise.

Here's where I critique their defense.

They cited a few studies that have failed to find any significant correlation between exposure to pornography and rape or general violence. Well, I'd want to see the studies, but that seems fair.

They made no distinction at all between what was good and bad in pornography and the adult industry in general. They made no mention of the many, many things that the adult industry does habitually and without even seeming to notice: requiring a certain body type, requiring a certain type of body grooming (long hair on the head, shaved every other kind of hair). These restrictions, in my mind, resctrict and demean women's sexuality, but they are also not limited to the porn industry. You see similar phenomena in advertising in department stores.

Another example is the general perception that the one and only demographic that the mainstream porn industry markets to is heterosexual males, and if you are anything but that, you have to go to specific niche porn sources- this seems odd. There are frequently 'secondary' sites on these mainstream porn providers for gay male porn, true. However, there's almost NOTHING female-oriented. (Most general kink sites, for instance offer all M/f stuff, or occasionally F/f stuff...but F/m stuff? No wai!) Now, perhaps all their market research has shown that women aren't interested in porn, so they can't be bothered to make the investment. But the bodice-ripper industry seems to be doing quite well, so I can only assume that a creative porn producer could do quite well by creating porn that *gasp* met women's wants and needs in porn.

One of the points that was brought up in the episode is that porn encourages the idea that women will happily do anything that the man wants sexually. Penn & Teller blew right over this point, but I thought it was somewhat interesting. First of all, porn is pretty much fantasy, right? And in your fantasy, women are probably not going to tell you that they'd rather not do whatever you have in mind. Healthy adult minds can separate fantasy from reality. It's a beautiful feature of a healthy human brain. Similarly, the anti-porn advocate complained that women in these films were doing things that were physically difficult and that this was encouraging bad expectations- again, fantasy versus reality. Also, doing physically difficult things in bed, OH NOES!

On another note, at one point in the show someone was making the claim that porn made people violent in real life. Another 'expert' retorted "most people don't watch violent porn. Most people watch porn that shows happy people doing what happy people ought to be doing in bed." (Not an exact quote.)

Look, I know Penn & Teller probably didn't mean to make a sweeping condemnation of BDSM in their show. Fine. Now I get to rip them a new one anyway.

1) Violent porn probably doesn't make you violent either. I don't have proof of a lack of correllation, but I have yet to see proof of a correllation. If you have it, hit me with your best shot.

2) If you intend to make a distinction between some of the nastier nonconsensual porn out there and consensual BDSM or BDSM-related fantasy stuff (because seriously, when it's all in a fantasy world, non-consensual erotica is fun and harmless. And usually comes with disclaimers if it's not the nasty kind of stuff.), please make it. Don't leave the viewer to make the distinction for themselves. They probably won't. In other words, please don't relegate people's kink to synonymity with moral depravity and the actual desire to inflict harm on other human beings without consent or consequences. It's just not nice.

(Caveat: I'm actually not terribly familiar with what kind of nasty violent porn is out there, or how nasty precisely it is. Perhaps it's not nasty at all, but I can make some educated guesses and would suspect that there is some nastiness out there. If my guesses are not educated enough based on what I've written, please take the opportunity to educate me further.)

The thing that bothered me most about the porn critics on the show was that it didn't seem to occur to these people (based on the footage of them that was included in the show) that there might in fact be pornography out there that was sex-positive without possessing some of the rather misogynistic traits that much porn has. I firmly believe that, minus some of that crap, porn is a fine and dandy thing that doesn't degrade anyone. Anyone who believes otherwise doesn't have to watch. And if you try to make legislation that says I can't watch it because you object? Well, screw you.

Freakin' YAY

2008-06-23T23:06:00.001-07:00

My birth control crap has apparently levelled out- I'm now actually able to have an orgasm (or 3...) again. Freakin' woot.

'Elder Porn' in Japan

2008-06-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

http://www.xbiz.com/news/all/95497

It looks like someone in the Japanese adult industry gets the fact that people over 40 like sex too. It's amazing the great business decisions you can make once people get their heads out of their asses.

Family

2008-06-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

I went away for a few days earlier this week on a business trip. It was mostly boring, but somewhat obnoxious in the coworker department. I realized that I desperately missed being around what I was originally going to call 'sane people' but decided to re-term 'insane people,' as I felt that was more complimentary.

Additionally, A & T are going away to Europe for two weeks. Naturally, I am going to miss them. But that's not really the point. They were complaining about the nature of the vacation they're going on (they didn't really get to choose) and so we started talking about all of the far superior ideas that we had for vacations with our close group of friends. This includes the three of us, S, and B- what I've been thinking of for a little while now as my family, but have not really said anything about for fear of being too presumptuous.

During this discussion, I said something specifically detailing that it should be the five of us going on a more relaxing and fun vacation together, and T responded with something along the lines of "Yes, we need to just take the whole family and do...(something or other, not important.)"

The whole family.

My family.

It wasn't that I hadn't been thinking of them as my family until now, as I mentioned. It was getting confirmation that the people who I think of as family think of me the same way. With that, it became official: I have a family again. This makes me all kinds of happy, for all kinds of reasons.

Later, of course, it hit me that, given I haven't had a family in many ways since I was 10, I'd forgotten what it was like. This caused me to collapse into sobs on A & T's couch, thoroughly worrying and confusing them (sorry!). But they held me and comforted me and generally were family.

It's nice to have a family again.

Man...

2008-06-12T16:39:00.001-07:00

My analytics says that there are actual people out there who read this blog. I'm not sure I believe it. But just in case, hi and welcome.

Aaaand

2008-06-11T17:59:00.000-07:00

And because I just hated to ruin my dramatic, tearful ending to that last post, I'm making a separate post with a list of things that I want to remember to bring up next time at therapy.

- I need lots and lots of validation. This ties into my insecurity around new people.

- I can't bear to have people mad at me. Even if it's a stranger honking at me in traffic, I tend to get mad back, but then spend the next five minutes obsessing that maybe it was, in fact, my fault.

- I need to feel needed to feel as though a relationship is valid or good.

That's all of I can think of for now.

Therapy

2008-06-11T17:36:00.000-07:00

I started therapy on Monday. It was...surprisingly good. Ok, the summary.

1) Talked about family stuff- just sort of the iceberg, and what I could think of. She responded in generally sympathetic ("It sounds like you had to grow up really fast.") and useful ways. ("So it sounds like what this has lead to is some calibration issues in your own relationships, not knowing how you're supposed to relate to people." Which is exactly right. I hadn't pinpointed that exact perspective, but that's exactly right.)

2) Talked about being poly. She didn't respond in a way that was spectacularly awesome, but neither did she respond in a way that was unhelpful or derogatory. Plus, I'm not really conflicted about poly. I think it's unequivocally awesome.

3) Talked about kink. Talked about being kinked for hypnosis, which led to interest in BDSM, and she had VERY RIGHT things to say about the relation (the relinquishing of power within certain boundaries, whether they are explicit or implicitly psychological) and even knew the word scene! WIN.

4) Talked about eating. She said she had some ideas. Great.

So all in all, it was very good. Then I went home, called a couple people before a date with T, because I had a fair amount of post-stressful-incident energy, so I called folks and got some of that out. Then I went to A and T's place, where T was still exercising and sat on the couch and read- and at some point some of the stuff, specifically what my therapist had pointed out about 'calibration issues' actually hit me. It wasn't profound stuff. It wasn't really new stuff. But it hit me like a ton of bricks. I actually think I got kind of lightheaded.

I just get so angry when I think about this shit that I've gone through. (Oh, and by the way, yes, there are people who have gone through far worse than I have. This is my version of bad. And since it's my blog, you don't get to demean my version of bad.) I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve to still be dealing with it.

I didn't deserve to lose my childhood at age 10.

I think that's what gets me worst. That precocious, trusting, nerdy, bubbly little girl- who would have had a rough enough time anyway- got hit with this shit, never got to properly grow up, never got to be who she could have been. Instead she ended up me. And hey, I like me. But I'm bruised and broken and callused and hard and stupid and stubborn and fragile and uncertain- and she might have been some of those things too. But maybe not all of them. And yes, maybe she'd have missed some of the great things I am- and no, there'll be no dramatic list of those because thinking about the positive things I am is way harder than thinking about the negative things I am-

But y'know what? I wish I could know what that little girl might have grown up like in a whole family with a reasonably sane version of normal.

I wsh that little girl had gotten what she deserved.

Snuggle Party

2008-06-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

Friday night was wonderful.

There were games with The Interests (I've decided to just call them A (the male interest) and T (the female interest) for short.) and a few friends, which were great. There was also every intention to get to sleep on time.

But after gaming, I declared that it was snuggle party time, and A, T and I piled onto A & T's bed and snuggled. We cuddled together, chatting, laughing, and generally being affectionate. We even rotated positions so that we all took turns being in the middle, (T complained somewhat about this, but conceded that perhaps other people deserved to be in the middle as well.) and T made some wonderfully tantalizing comments about bondage. ("I have belts that I'm saving. Pesky cords can cut off circulation.")

When I was being snuggled in the middle (OMGWTFBBQ SO NICE) things started becoming more focused on neck kissing and stuff that was generally oh-so-slightly more erotic than just snuggling. A kept tormenting me by lightly biting my earlobe, which he knows drives me nuts. When I complained about this to T, she responded that this was a new and exciting definition of the word 'torment,' which just sent shivers down my spine. (According to some people, when T says things like this, I flush five or so degrees warmer. I can only imagine that I did so at that time.) Getting my neck and ears kissed from both sides has got to be one of the more wonderful experiences I've ever had. At one point, having vaguely plotted to attack the sides of my neck simultaneously, they joked that this was not much of a surprise- that they should have run to grab some ice. I made some half-hearted 'oh woe is me' protest, and T promised to keep my mock objections in mind for the future.

Entertainingly, when T and I originally started dating, A went out of his way to tell me that no, he was not interested in threesomes, thanks so very much. Which is fine. But he seemed to be having a mighty good time for someone who has no interest in threesomes, which I gave him a hard time about. (I think threesomes sound like a fabulous idea.)

A wanted me to stay over with the two of them- not in a sexual way, in a nice sleepy way. T wasn't really given enough warning to be prepared for this, so it didn't come to pass, but I'm hoping that it will in the near future.

I also told T that I love her- with no hope of a reciprocal response at this time, just because I'm bad at not saying things. When I mentioned to A that I felt this way, he sqeezed me tight and said "I'm glad I met you." This makes me smile just thinking about it.

(So then I biked home and even with all that, took forever to bring myself to orgasm. I think that my birth control is having sexual side effects, i.e. difficulty orgasming. This is unacceptable, as I approve highly of orgasms and like to have as many of them as possible. I'm making a doctor's appointment to change my pill.)

Approval

2008-06-03T20:10:00.000-07:00

I had a realization about approval-seeking the other day. I do it a fair amount, particularly in certain relationships. I want people to approve of what I'm doing, though I've never known what to think about that.

One of my best friends in the world is someone that I crave approval from- I want to know that she thinks I'm doing smart things. I have recently specifically avoided telling her about becoming poly, and have just recently realized why. I knew that I was avoiding it because she would not approve- or more accurately, because she would be concerned. I wasn't sure why this was so bad until I realized that, between her concern and my attention-seeking, telling her something that I knew would concern her put her in a position of power over me that I wasn't comfortable with. It's not that I think she'd abuse it, it's just that I don't want to give her that psychological power.

Interestingly enough, my female interest is also someone that I appear to naturally seek approval from. And someday, I'd be interested in giving her that power- explicitly- to do as she would with.

Thoughts & Realizations

2008-05-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

So, after deciding that I'm poly, bi, and kinked, all within the last three months, I've come to a rather startling realization.

I'm in a sexual minority.

Having been mono het vanilla for most of my life, that's a bit odd. I was having a debate with my female interest about politics, and she mentioned that many republicans wanted to punish her for the choices & orientations in her personal life.

Which I suddenly realized applied to me as well.

I've always been angry on behalf of groups that were being oppressed in some way, and then I've always been able to walk away to my nice little straight edge life. I've never felt like the oppressed group before. (Well...except for nerddom. But no one thinks of that as an actual issue. *grumbles*) And the truth is, it hasn't sunk in for me yet. It probably won't until someone makes a disparaging remark about something I've done in my sex life, and how perverted and wrong it is. (One of my interests needs to play with me. I want to do things that are perverted and wrong. *whines* My female interest is moving really slow, which is great, except I really want to jump her. *whistles innocently*)

I was really bothered by the sex toy ban in Texas, because that was a really visible example of stupidity. I have always been of the opinion that the government has no place in my bedroom, but I guess most instances of this kind of thing (sodomy laws, etc.) are either old enough that they aren't news or they just aren't news to most people because "those people are perverts anyway." And so I just never heard about them til now.

What an interesting attitude adjustment.

d/s Contract link...good reminder for later.

2008-05-12T23:58:00.001-07:00

http://devastatingyet.wordpress.com/2008/05/12/the-contract/

Because this is a sounding board as much as anything. This contract is really amazing in a lot of ways, Dev has some great ideas (for relationships in general, not just for d/s)

Some Emotional Stuff

2008-05-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to work out the roots of some emotional crap that I'm dealing with tonight (re: an outburst of sobbing for 20 minutes or so after I wrote this post on LJ. You can guess that I wasn't feeling real chipper beforehand either. At any rate, this post or the posts after may be short, or get edited, or whatever.

I know that I want to feel needed. That way I don't feel shitty when I need help. Also, I legitimately like helping people. I makes me feel useful and helpful.

I know that I need more positive people interaction in my life right now than I've been getting.

I know that a lot of the time, I don't need attention, just for there to be people I trust around. (Is that like the fucking definition of a family or what? Why don't I have a fucking family? (Ok, why don't I have a local family?) Why do I need a family this badly? It doesn't seem like others do.)

Why do I feel so uncomfortable saying stuff like this to other people? I've never yet experienced an emotion and had it turn out to be unique or even hugely uncommon, so why do I feel like people will object or judge me if I talk to them about emotional stuff?

Maybe I'll post this entry to LJ later, if I get brave.

Sexuality

2008-05-08T15:07:00.000-07:00

I think I need to make a list of things to write about on this blog, since it's apparently my replacement for therapy. I have a fair number of really big topics I'd like to tackle, both personal and otherwise.

But today I want to examine sexuality a little- in addition to cuddling last night, my female interest (Seriously, she needs a handle here. As does my male interest, but I haven't found myself mentioning him as much.) and I talked about BDSM a fair amount. I knew she was interested and into BDSM, and still it was incredibly difficult to discuss it with her, or even to talk about anything sexual. In fact, I steered away from most things explicitly sexual in the discussion. In fact, I hadn't even realized that until right now. It was incredibly for me to even say things like "X, Y, and Z are things that are hot to me," as though having turnons is something that's shameful.

And yet it feels like they are. My male interest (see, there he is.) knows almost nothing about my interest in BDSM because, although we're pretty physically involved, I would be just mortified to bring up something to him as a turnon for me. Even if it was something more normal than BDSM, like the sex toys I have in my drawer. Let him know that I have sexual interests all on my own!? Never.

I don't know why I'm so terrified about revealing my sexuality to others. With (aw crap, I need yet another handle) my IM friend, it became very quickly apparent that there was nearly nothing I could do to alienate her as far as my sexual interests went. She quickly became the person with whom I have most freely discussed my sexuality. In point of fact, she's the only person who I've ever felt completely comfortable talking about sex with.

So how do I get past that stumbling block with others? I guess what I'm afraid of, at the root of it all, is that I'll be judged. That being sexual will be perceived as a bad thing, or that people will think that I think about sex too much. (I like orgasms, ok? So fucking sue me.) I'm worried that I'll lost either people or their respect.

And there seems to be a big difference for me between joking about sex and talking about sex seriously. Joking about sex is pretty easy, although I still worry it'll get me judged for thinking about sex too much.

But talking openly and honestly about what I want and what is hot to me- well geez. That's hard. Even when I know that there's no way in hell the people I'm talking to should be offended by it, part of me is convinced they will be. My female interest and I discussed yesterday that I need a fair amount of validation, especially while I'm still learning the dynamics of a new relationship. (IE- need reassurance that the person giving validation still likes me, isn't weirded out, whatever. That's one of the biggies I want to address at some point on this blog.) We agreed that until she got used to exactly what I needed, I would ask for validation when I needed it. (I've had really good luck with this strategy in the past, once I get to a point where I'm ok asking.) During our conversation, I think I asked her for validation about 4 times. That's a lot of validation to need, and we were only talking about BDSM in relation to ourselves, not with respect to our relationship or anything.

I hang out with people who are awesome, openminded, and themselves have some incredibly different values and choices from the main stream. So why the hell am I afraid that they'll judge me for thinking about sex? Or for considering kinky sex? And is there a way to get past that other than bashing my head against that wall until it falls down?

Cuddling!

2008-05-08T07:43:00.001-07:00

There was cuddling last night with a certain female type. I am happy. (Also still adjusting to the idea of a relationship with a woman, but happy. Fizzy NRE vibes for everyone.)

Kink

2008-05-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

Still coming to terms with this 'having a kink' thing. I mean, at least on the surface, BDSM is not that hot to me. I think I would actually find it really hot and be really into it, but just hearing about it doesn't get me hot. I so much as read accounts of erotic hypnosis, bad hypnosis erotica, talk about the fundamentals of hypnosis, and I'm turned on.

So what gets me is not that something sexually non-normative is appealing to me. 'Appealing to me' means that I'd be open to it and doing it would get me hot. Sex, for instance, appeals to me, because it's fun and there are orgasms. Sex by itself doesn't get me hot. Hypnotism is straight up, bowl me over, no questions asked, an actual turn-on for me.

So let's think about this one for a bit: hypnotism is sexier to me than sex.

Is that even true? Will that last, will the idea get old, and not as exciting? Would the reality of hypnotism disappoint?

Also, how exactly does this tie into BDSM? In a D/s relationship, you're fundamentally offering service, regardless of whether you like it, by choice. Which seems good, seems like it could be very hot.

In hypnosis, at least in the ideal fairy world, you don't have control. Not only have you offered yourself to the other person, they have taken you completely. How amazingly, mind-fuckingly hot.

So, if I had to take a guess, I'd say that suggest pretty heavily that I'd enjoy holding up the sub end of a D/s relationship.

What would I want real erotic hypnosis to be like?

Well, I don't actually know that much about how hypnotism works. But first of all, I'd want my partner and I to go to a really brilliant hypnotherapist together and have the hypnotherapist teach my dom to hypnotize me. Cause seriously, don't fuck my brain if you don't know what you're doing.

Once some of those basics were established (that bit seems boring so I'll skip it.) we'd get on with the actual playing. First of all, I would want to be able to remember everything that happened with the playing. Cause doing ridiculous shit is so not worth it if I can't remember it from inside my head. Or at least as an out of body experience or something.

As for the actual playing, the possibilities are endless. Roleplaying with me as some character seems like it would be awesomely fun, or just scenes with me as myself. Ideally the in the roleplaying, I would just be totally convinced that I was that person. (That seems kind of potentially dangerous...put on the list of 'shit to ask hypnotherapist about.')

Which brings me to another interesting question: what about safewords and hypnosis? Would you need one? I hear that you can't do anything under hypnosis that you would be totally unwilling to do in real life, you'll just be less inhibited. That's fine by me. But what if a roleplaying scene gets too psychologically intense or something? (Like if we're doing a rape scene, I dunno.) How would a safeword work, or would I just snap out of it?

Any ideas from my small but awesome readership?

Hypno-kink

2008-05-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

Apparently having a fetish about being hypnotized is an actual thing! I'd sort of come to terms with the fact that it was real for me, (around the same time as, and in fact as a catalyst for, exploration of D/s stuff.) but I didn't entirely realize it was real for other people.

I didn't let myself think about it too much until recently, but I've been turned on by hypnosis since I was...well, since watching some episode of that stupid Aladin TV series. (Princess Jasmine, hypnotized by Jafar, the rest is history.) Are you even allowed to have sexual feelings at that age? Maybe it was more a fascination then, which translated more or less seamlessly into sexual feelings. (I recall being incredibly turned on by that one scene in Into The Mouth of Madness...kind of an odd scene, actually.)

I've never had an honest-to-god, built in, kink before. *pets her kink*

Wheeeee!

2008-05-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

It appears as though the Girl Of My Affections (GOMA?) and I are officially 'flirting'. (It's a relationship status, not a verb, OK?)

This is fucking awesome, since I've been developing a pretty massive crush on her for a bit now. I've become suspicious that I'm more into women than men, but we'll see. GOMA doesn't have much actual TIME, so this relationship is going to move slooooowly. Which is fine. I have other ways to deal with those pesky sexual needs.

*Sidelong glance at GOMA's husband*

My life is freaking awesome. Also, I'm completely infatuated. It's great.

More BDSM Thoughts

2008-04-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

"if someone craves to be owned and used and useful, entitlement and expectation is exactly what they need to from their partner as a counterpart to that mindset"

I think that's the first actual description of the submissive role that resonates with me. Interesting. "Owned and used and useful." I could live with that.

D/s Thoughts

2008-04-29T00:19:00.000-07:00

For the record, my current thoughts on BDSM is that I'm most interested in D/s, curious about some light S/M, but not interested in intense S/M. And, at least until I've worked out some of my confidence issues, I'm not interested in humiliations play or anything that looks like it.

Anger

2008-04-26T18:30:00.000-07:00

Well, finally got to the part where I'm angry at the guy I just broke up with. I'm cleaning up my apartment and realizing: he is a messy bastard and I'm so glad I don't have to live like that anymore. It's not the whole truth and it's not entirely fair, but there it is. I have a right to be mad so there it fucking is.

Realization?

2008-04-26T17:54:00.000-07:00

I think I made some kind of realization today- I've always been very commitment oriented in relationships, but I think what I've been looking for this whole time is a family, not necessarily a romantic relationship. More on this later; this post is largely placeholder to remind me for later.

My Feminine Side, Redux

2008-04-26T16:56:00.000-07:00

So, my last examination of my femininity from an emotional perspective didn't feel sufficient, and I'd like to revisit it.

First, a review of some of the vocabulary I'm using. I don't promise that these usages are standard, hence the definitions. (Get me started some other time on whether usages of terms like these can be entirely standard. Should make for some interesting frothing at the mouth about linguistic snobs.)

Gendered: something that is done in order to identify with a gender, i.e. "Lookit me! I'm a girl! A GIRL!" (in whatever intensity, that being rather extreme.)
Gender-specific: something that is done that would not be done if the doer were the other gender, but that is not intended as an identifying action, i.e. "What, a skirt you say? Well, yes, I'm wearing one. No, I just like them. Well, no, I probably wouldn't wear them if I was a guy."
Gender-neutral: something that could/would be done by either gender, and has no subtext of gender identification, i.e. "Yep, I'm eating. Nope, that's got nothing to do with gender whatsoever. Seriously."

Another distinction that I will be making is how society interprets an action, how certain groups interpret and action, and how I interpret an action internally.

Ok, I think that gives me all the tools of the trade, let's get started. I think I'll go through the things I do that are perceived as gendered by the world at large and talk about how I perceive them.

1. Geekiness- It is my perception that the world at large sees geekiness as a gender-specific trait, but sees it as gender specific to males. (I have also hear this expressed 'geek is its own gender, with its own set of gender rules.' This is probably also a valid way of stating the situation, though my perception is that most of the gender rules are derived from male gendered traits.) All nerds are expected to dress, act, and show interest in things in a certain way. All nerds, male or female, have their 'nerdness' called into question if they do not follow these rules. For instance, in the gamer nerd subsection, a male nerd who defies the nerd 'dress code' (usually consisting primarily of blue jeans and a t-shirt with a geeky joke or reference to some nerd culture icon on it) will have his nerddom called into question, both by culture at large and by nerds themselves. I've had this happen to me from both perspectives:

Me: "I'm a huge nerd."
Strange Guy Failing to Hit on Me: "Oh, you just left your glasses at home?"
Me: *glare*

From the other perspective, although I forget the exact quotes, I've had a nerd friend of mine basically say 'Man, you're really sending mixed signals...you're a nerd, you do RPGs, etc, but here you are wearing a skirt and makeup! This breaks my nerd meme and confuses me.'

I could probably go on about this phenomenon for a while, but point is, in my mind geekiness is, for better or worse, perceived as male-specific (even for the female nerds), and I definitely identify as 'nerd,' not as something that is a gendered behavior, nor as something that is gender-specific to female, just as something that is an inherent part of my personality. I also break a lot of the gender rules of nerd, as I mentioned earlier and will probably discuss further below.

2. Embroidery- This is one of my favorite pastimes, when I have the time and focus. It feeds my need to have tangible (and preferably visible) results from the time I've spent at a pursuit. It makes me feel skilled, which is a related but non-synonymous need. Additionally, it's a physical hobby, and in a cyber world making something with my hands is a rare pleasure. The world at large sees this hobby as gender-specific to females, perhaps bordering on gendered female. I think I agree that it is a gender-specific activity, if only because I would probably not have gotten into it if I were male, not because I would not enjoy it if I were male. I believe that my reasons for enjoying embroidery are independent of my gender.

3. Girl time- Before I analyze the gender-qualities of girl time I'm going to have to define it, which I don't anticipate being easy, though my guess is that we'll get a lot of the analysis of gender characteristics done in the definition stage.

For me, 'girl time' or 'doing girly stuff' generally refers to participating (usually but not always with other women) in activities that are frequently at least gender-specific to females if not gendered females. The exceptions to the 'female participants' rule are few and far between, but they certainly exist, and occur irrespective of gender identity and sexual orientation. A certain very heterosexual dance maniac occurs to me here.

As for a further examination of the activities, they can range from activities that are at least traditionally very female gendered activities of makeup, nails, and generally engaging in vanity and self-adornment, to activities that I simply engage in with people with whom I feel close and comfortable, which in my life have generally tended to be female when in platonic relationships. The activities also extend to gender-nonspecific activities, but these feel more like 'friend time with girls' than 'girl time.'

So, I would say that girl time is mostly a gender-specific activity rather than a gendered activity, with the exceptions being the self-adornment stuff, which we'll discuss below.

4. Personal appearance- This is the biggie, I think, and yet now I don't feel that I have to write much to explicate it given the previous analyses. The self-adornment is partially gendered for me, despite my previous post. (Look at me, how pretty I am, love me and be attracted to me.) But it's largely become a gender-specific set of skills at this point for me- I get at least as much reward from the process as I do from the result, much the same as we see in my embroidery. Really, I don't perceive much difference between embroidery and doing my makeup, except embroidery takes longer to get results. The aesthetic results have more social baggage, both for me and everyone else, making it more gendered than embroidery, but not by a huge amount. If I had to choose a category, I'd say that my personal appearance activities are gender specific, not gendered.

Single

2008-04-24T23:10:00.000-07:00

I'm single again, for some values of single encompassed the by expression "without a primary relationship." I though about posting to alt.poly with the subject line "n =- 1". (I am slowly but surely becoming a programming nerd.)

This gives me the good chance to generally be on my own for a bit, maybe learn a few things about myself. My current list of things to do is as follows:

1) Acquire rats
2) Take ballroom dancing lessons
3) Lose another 5 pounds
4) Continue learning to program (possibly apply to grad school?)
5) Acquire more close friends with whom I am not in some way romantically involved
6) Continue doing the sexual self-exploration thing

I think that gives me a good list, which ought to keep me busy for a bit.
Really ought to go a ways toward the self-learning bit, as well. My exploration of new theoretical sexual realms has been temporarily put on hold due to total lack of short-term libido re breakup. However, I expect it to resume shortly...I am quite interested by some of the D/s stuff I'm learning about. I'm not sure yet whether I'm interested theoretically or practically, but I know that the psychological elements of it are fascinating in their implications and possibilities. More reports later on, particularly on this interesting hypnotism theme. Fascinating stuff. There are more things in heaven and earth...and they're freaking INTERESTING!

I'm a nerd, so there.

Empty

2008-04-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

It turns out that, when you remove something from your life because of its negative repercussions, you lose the positive effects too.

If only the positive had outweighed the negative.

You Shouldn't Know

2008-04-23T12:03:00.001-07:00

That I still want to be with you. That I want to try couples' therapy. That I'm going to miss you terribly. That I hope we'll be together again one day.

That's all the crap I shouldn't tell you, because it's not real and it's not healthy for you to know. But at least it's out there.

My Feminine Side

2008-04-19T00:52:00.000-07:00

I wasn't always this femme.

This may not be obvious from superficial appearances. Most poignantly, I remember getting dressed up for the big dances in high school- hair, nails, makeup, clothes, the whole nine yards. I was inevitably in tears by the end of the night.

I ended each of these evenings feeling worthless- a two-penny princess in a polyester gown. I felt like a fraud and a failure. Some perceived shortcoming, some social faux pas, or maybe just the shine coming off my night, left me a mess by the time I stood in front of the mirror, scrubbing the mask of makeup off my face, reducing my anxiety and aspirations to so much soap scum on porcelain.

My bipolar relationship with dresses, in particular, is a saga that defined in many ways my transition out of girlhood. It was a dress that prompted my self-starvation, a dress that brought me to tears on my boyfriend's couch, a dress that defined the struggle with my femininity.

The process of selecting a dress, wooing it for months in the privacy of one's bedroom (I'll just put it on for a minute to see how it looks. Perhaps pin my hair up a bit for effect...) and finally wearing it out on the intended occasion is a bit like the swing of a baseball bat. You wind up, put all your strength into the preparation, and unless connect perfectly in at the crucial moment, the execution feels flat and anticlimactic.

And how could a girl fail to be disappointed in her own execution? With the epic hopes that I, in my high-school naivete, set on these evenings, how could the mediocrity of adolescent reality fail to disappoint?

And so, throughout the evening, the panic and self-loathing would build up inside me. I was failing to live up the skin of femininity in which I had clothed myself; I was inadequate to the job. I could not be what a woman was supposed to be. I could not be a woman.

These days, I wear makeup nearly daily and wear skirt or dresses infrequently but happily. I haven't bought a formal gown in years, and I feel better for this fact. But the truth is that on a day to day basis I express femininity in ways that would have sent my adolescent self into self-deprecating hysterics.

The thing is, I'm not expressing femininity.

I wear makeup for many reasons- a nerdy interest in this intersection of art, science, and personal aesthetics, for one. But the importance of that pales to the ritual significance it has for me.

I transform my appearance in the course of 15 minutes every morning- I use exactly the right tool for the job, I experiment with new ideas, and I come out looking good. Additionally, during this 15 minutes, I am focusing exclusively on myself. I am the only thing that matters during this ritual. And each morning, I come out looking the way I need to feel- put together, confident, and competent. In short, using makeup makes me feel powerful, creative, and in control every morning for the low cost of a quarter hour's time and some pretty-colored powders.

My adolescent self felt wretched when she couldn't achieve her own ideals of femininity. Today, she has had revenge. Today, I am not a feminine person. I am a person who has taken the trappings of femininity, once laden with the burden of inadequacy, and has subverted them for her own uses, her own personal rituals of self-confidence and power.

What once controlled me, I now control. Where once I ached to embrace and embody femininity, I now take that which I can use, that which pleases me, that which strengthens me.

I wasn't always this femme. In point of fact, I'm the least femme I've ever been. These days, I'm a woman with one more tool to get what she wants and needs.

Everybody Wants a Meme

2008-04-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

One needs labels to process the world. Stereotyping and judging, damaging as they may be, exist because they are fundamentally necessary and beneficial.

When programming, you make the program in such a way that it has pre-determined ways of dealing with any type of input. In order to do this, you have to categorize input. If the input doesn't fall into a pre-defined category, you either force it into one or give an error message.

Is it really so surprising that we're different from programs? We like to think we're more subtle and complex, sure. But fundamentally, we process input and respond to it. If we didn't have categorization, we'd get so caught up in the time it took to fully process each individual piece of input that we'd never be able to effectively respond to the input in our environment.

So, yeah. I judge. I'm human. I'm also willing to redefine inputs or group definitions based on new definitions. Does that make me a good person, or just flexibly programmed?